Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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