my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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