He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
