Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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