I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
