it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
