Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
