The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
