shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
only if we run a train.
done.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
