If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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