I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
