oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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