k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize