What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
