Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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