just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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