just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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