I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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