How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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