If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
