Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
