from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
