I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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