The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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