We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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