Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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