I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
