I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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