I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
