Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
