If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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