i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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