dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
