I'm going to jail i love you
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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