Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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