I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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