so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
