i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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