Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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