I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
