I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
