its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
