I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just tell him i said nine months
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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