someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
