Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
