i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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