If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
