dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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