Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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