I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Randomize
