I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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