I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
