I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
