i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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