apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
