I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
