wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
