i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
