i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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