Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
cat food counts as protein by the way
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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