dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
