her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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