I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
