No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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