it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
